My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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