At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize