Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize