A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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