When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Duck Duck Cougar?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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