Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize