So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
