Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
