i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
