you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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