Princesses don't give blow jobs
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
