explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize