Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
This toilet bowl is my home.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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