yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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