You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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