I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
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