If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
