I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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