If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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