Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
