yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
