My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Randomize
