I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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