My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
