If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
