dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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