Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
two words...techno handjob
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
