Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
