I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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