He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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