he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
