They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
