i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
