update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm passing your future prison.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Randomize