"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
