You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
