I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
