she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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