I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
