he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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