Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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