You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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