I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
