I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
