Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
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