Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
