I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I am one with the molecules
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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