he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
