yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize