Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
