im six kinds of drunk right now
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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