ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
