you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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