dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Randomize
