I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
