Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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