Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Randomize
