She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
