Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
