Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
