capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
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