Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
