Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
