Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I enjoy the company of your penis
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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