Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
