Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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