Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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