I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You have to summon your inner elephant
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
