i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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