I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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