My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I wish there were birth control emojis
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I think people are normalizing furries
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
