let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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