I feel great
I just peed on a car
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
