why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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