So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
