i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize