If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
